Goon Squad – Avery Stuckey
If you’re new here and do not know what Powderpuff is…let me explain. A group of dedicated young women are drafted onto two different teams where they are to face off in what some might call, the biggest, most important, cut-throat, intense, unforgettable “football” game of the year.
Now that you have context, this annual game will be played between the Goon Squad and the Pink Panthers. I know you are probably thinking to yourself “Who are the Pink Panthers?” Exactly. Come Friday, they will be known as the team that lost to the Goon Squad.
It’s obvious why the Goon Squad is going to win. The Pink Panthers stand no chance against the advanced plays that the excellent Goon Squad coaches have put together. Or the abundant knowledge of the game that each player has that will ultimately set them above the Pink Panthers.
After all, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, the definition of the word Goon is “a violent, aggressive person who is hired to intimidate or harm people.” The Goon squad is most definitely aggressive and intimidating.
With star defensive players for the fighting Irish as coaches, Oscar Kirch, Hosia Smith, and Jackson Weingart, the goon squad is obviously in great hands. As educator and coach Mr Matthew Cannaday said, “defense wins championships.” Alongside the unbeatable defense of the goon squad, the hours of hard work and the blood, sweat, and tears shed is going to pay off.
Pink Panthers – Daniel Kent
With Homecoming on the Hill this week, the infamous Women’s Powderpuff game will once again captivate students and educators alike. Powderpuff is a slightly different approach to American football because, instead of men, it is teams of women who play with flag football rules. The two teams of Seniors will face off in a Roman Colosseum-like atmosphere as they emphatically vie for the coveted Powderpuff win and eternal bragging rights that come with it. For me, there is clearly a superior team in this year’s matchup that will without doubt come out on top: Pink Panthers.
The team is stacked with legendary Powderpuff players including Seniors Riley Kavanaugh, Taria Holifield, Aubrie Wright and many more. How could any team, even an NFL team, beat that? So when it comes to the Goon Squad (whatever that means) they simply don’t stand a chance. On top of the outstanding lineup, the Pink Panthers are led by experienced coaches including Colorado commit and quarterback Danny O’Neil, tight end Zach Meeks, wide receiver Tommy Leaman, along with a plethora of other highly accomplished athletes. Pink Panther player Gabby Carroll said of the team’s preparedness, “We show up to practice, we work hard and we have a coach that’s committed to the great Deion Sanders.”
From the roster alone, it’s clear that all of the Goon Squad’s aspirations will be completely shut down by the Pink Panthers. I wouldn’t be surprised if the final score was 49-0.
Aside from the unmatchable skill set, the Pink Panthers have a substantially cooler name and vibe compared to the “Goon Squad”. The name “Pink Panthers” perfectly captures the Powderpuff spirit, and exudes a confident yet sophisticated aura. On the other hand, “Good Squad” is drab, lame, and extremely cringey. I bet that nine out of ten people couldn’t even define the word “Goon”. Can you? (Give yourself a pat on the back if you can!) Even Goon Squad player (and my Face Off opponent) Senior Avery Stuckey couldn’t define the term when she was asked. It is abundantly clear to me that the Pink Panthers team is the way to go, and they will not disappoint—unlike that other team.
Pink Panthers is set up to win with a strong foundation of players and coaches as well as a superior name. As we await the commencement of a football game with unthinkably high stakes, we must remember that everyone is a winner in the eyes of God (unless you’re a member of the Goon Squad).
